If You Build It They Might Just Knock It Out Of The Park

Wowza.  A wonderful word--part wow, part pizza.  That's where it comes from right?  Regardless, Wowza indeed.

Today was INCREDIBLE.  Have I said that before in China? I'm not sure I have.  So really, are you excited? CUZ YOU SHOULD BE.  I have an INCREDIBLE DAY to share with you!

Today was our rubbish fashion show.  That's right, I somehow got kids, teachers, and Chinese staff to think that it was "fun" to use plastic bags, cardboard, tin foil and more to make outfits and then walk on a catwalk with music.  IN CHINA.

The back-story: I work in a culture where creativity and education are not often in the same sentence.  China is a test culture where tests open doors to everyone's futures.  Projects, group work, etc. seldom seem to surface (based on observations in three Chinese high schools).  Sure, student activities to exist to some extent, but they are in the shadows of the exams.

After describing the struggles I face here to friends and family, many conclude: you can't change a culture.  And that...that got me thinking.  I'm an extremely stubborn person when it comes to proving people wrong about what I am capable of doing--often to a fault.  And no, I am not trying to change Chinese culture.  I picked something smaller for my last project in China (though this is the theme of this second and last year): School culture.

Why was my high school successful?  Why did I follow the rules? Why did I feel teachers cared about me?  And the answer seems to be the culture of the school.  My high school was old and it cared a great deal about each of us.  My schools in China don't have this kind of culture, especially the school I was teaching in last year.


So it needs a jolt.  It needs something to get kids thinking and feeling.  It needs CREATIVITY.  My principal approached me to teach 7 periods a week of AP Psych to junior-level students.  A plan that confused me much, so I countered it with an idea.  What if we change everything? What if we try to make a schedule with space to breathe?  I quickly partnered with a teacher who had shown much concern over the situation and the words I uttered snowballed into a full blown schedule weeks later which much support from our staff.  My favorite part of our schedule is Monday because Monday we cancelled all afternoon activities to make room for a big group activity.  Today was the 1st Monday!

After working weeks on a plan, the fashion show idea was fleshed out Friday night alone in an office.  I used feedback I'd gotten along the way to create a plan.  Today we met as a staff and we put the plan in motion.  Somehow my day ended with 19 or so students clad in trash bags, newspapers, etc. walking to music on a red carpet to the delight of their classmates.

Although I was pretty darn stressed the whole day, but on the way home from work I received a wonderful text from a teacher who's had a rough year with our students (it can be one of the most frustrating places as our students, while easier to control, are often hard to inspire and motivate).

It read: "Thank you Johnny.  Thanks to you I've seen for the first time in one year happy kids today.  So happy and innocent."

So there I was riding the subway and my spirit just soared.  I was laughing.  I was that laughing crazy foreigner on the subway.   And something changed, I looked around the subway and I just saw love.  I saw friends chatting.  I saw new couples laughing.  And I just saw people.  And I saw hope.

There are not many days at all where I feel incredible here.  I've written about days where I've woken up and burst into tears because of how frustrated I am. But today I stand tall.  Today I am elated beyond belief.  Today I firmly believe in the power of education and creativity.

I have four weeks left in this job.  Only four more weeks to pump as much inspiration into these schools as I can.  Four weeks to share the joy of being with teenagers.  Four more weeks and so much left to do.  Finally I feel though I'm making the difference I wanted to this year.

Finally I'm being that change I wanted to see.

This is WATER

This is water.
The name of a Youtube video that rings with such overpowering truth I was moved to strange watery-eyed laughter.  I have strange emotions, but I bet you do too.

This is Water by David Foster Wallace

Longer version 22 Minutes: Full Speech (no vid) -- better I think, but longer!

Click on that link and enjoy it--only ten minutes and you might find afterwards you'll have that moment of stillness in that typical 24/7 routine life you lead.

The video is a piece from a commencement speech.  I watch too many of these, but am constantly trying to re-inspire myself as often I find myself in uninspiring situations.  Well, because, among other things, I graduated.  I live in a world where people work for their life, instead of a world where people worked for intellectual curiosity or for, dare I say, fun.  (Of course, this is an over-simplification.  College friends would remind me of my not-so-great days in college and my complaining about the pointlessness of papers and the like.  And of course, this new world can also be fun and intellectual stimulating.)

When I was a kid, I remember my Dad got angry while driving at the other drivers.  We were on our way to soccer practice/game or some similar Johnny-centered activity I think.  Thus, I felt a little bad that he was upset at other cars.  So to calm him down, I told him that...maybe those drivers, the ones cutting us off, are going to a wedding.  He looked at me strangely.  Maybe one's the bride or groom?  He laughed.

This memory is perhaps 80% fake--the validity of memory is poor--but I do remember my Dad telling me about this instance once when I was older.  It seemed I had this ability to just distance feelings of frustration in the world by thinking.  Thinking was my tool to use for my benefit and the benefit of others; help everyone keep calm.  To this day, I still often point out such things to friends and, of course, myself.  And have also learned that everyone has this ability!

But watching this video was POWERFUL today because, well, I've sucked at this since graduating!  Narcissism really refers to an over-inflated sense of self masking a large insecurity, or so it is defined in psychology.  But we're not all narcissistic--it's prevalence is low!  However, we all have a tendency to consider our thoughts, our feelings, our needs as more important that everyone else's.  (Which if you think about it makes a whole lot of sense because our thoughts, feelings, and needs are the only ones we actually know firsthand.)  Thus, this video (which you really have to watch to understand this post) shows us how dumb we can all be running last-minute errands with our self-obsessed minds.

This video was POWERFUL because today I was sending money home.  Which is a complicated process in China due to Chinese laws and due to Chinese bank employees lack of understanding of this complicated process.  Long story short it worked and I walked away relived.  But during the process, the bank gave me wrong information about numbers and codes I using.  I did not know this was wrong information but was surprised as it countered the numbers and codes I had with me.  My Chinese colleagues sided with the bank, though they know little about overseas transfers having never lived overseas.  The bank found a solution, but at a cost of much arguing and time spent to the point that the security guard started insulting our party for taking too long.  Which of course got me thinking, you mother f---ker (silently in my head) as I came super prepared but your bank employees don't know their job.

It became and I versus the world situation--overly dramatized in the retelling of course.  And this task is really very simple it seems in the scheme of things.  So, when I got home from work, I spoke with my bank and was assured I used all the right numbers.  I even looked up the information about the codes and numbers and was able to find, from a credible source, that the information the bank had is simply outdated--which is funny considering last year I did this with much more ease.

But these "I vs. world" situations ARE manifestations of my mind.  Of course it doesn't help that my Chinese skills are poor.  It doesn't help that my colleagues can understand the bankers better than me.  It doesn't help that I moved to China post graduating to learn about that adult life routine in a country that seems to assume I'm stupid or wrong, just because I can't communicate as well.  Even my Chinese friends take extra convincing sometimes on information that expats accept without question.  It's puzzling.

So this video.  The first 3 minutes when he describes the daily routine with the going to the grocery store made me think.  I laughed SO HARD watching this bit, not just because of the universal appeal, but because of my own experiences here and those of other foreigners.

'Like, so there's no food in your fridge.  So you go to the store to get some.  You forgot to weigh your food though, so the cashier takes it away from you.  You protest, but no, you forgot to follow the system so no fruit or veggies for you.  Unless you want to go back into the store and try again after waiting 10 minutes in a long long line.'

'Or--so there's no food in your fridge.  So you go to a local place for dinner, trying to cheer yourself up but they changed the menu format you had memorized and you know some of the characters but not enough and you falter and just feel so stupid.  Why can't I learn this language? Why can't I have EXTRA energy after the exhausting day to learn? If I could just eat fast then I'd have more TIME?'

'Or --so there's no food in your fridge but you want Western food.  So you take a bus or a metro, or two buses and a metro to far away places that you haven't fully learned to navigate and spend a fortune on food that you'll be too tired to cook by the time your odyssey is over and your home.'

'Or--I'm late to work and I'm racing to the metro to find the entrance is missing because they tore it down over the weekend and now have to find another entrance and miss it because it's not marked but find it eventually and somehow, for some reason, blame all of CHINA for this...not a great way to start a day'

The daily grind is HILARIOUS in some respects.  On my good humored days, Chengdu is a laughable challenge full of inquisitive children and adults who point, wave, and want to take a picture with you.  Sometimes you don't get what you ordered.  Sometimes the staff doesn't understand the Chinese you can speak.  But you laugh it off and move on; life is too short to let this silliness under your skin.

On my bad humored day, Chengdu is something else.  It's like you can't go outside without someone laughing at you, pointing at you, and constantly reminding you that YOU ARE NOT FROM HERE.  YOU WILL NEVER FIT IT.  YOU ARE 'LAO WAI'.  And then the order's wrong and your not amused and the waitress really doesn't understand what you said to her last week this week? SERIOUSLY? And you suddenly have become afraid of new things and new bus routes and new areas to get to for a fear of getting lost; even though you are conscious that this was once ALL new and you've learned so much.  And you're afraid of speaking the worlds that 90% of people understand because of the 10% that won't be patient and try to follow your Chinese.


Now, I have two months left here under contract.  Two months left after 19 months here.  Recently I was caught in a downhill spiral of bedbugs, stomach bugs, and many many no-good-really-bad-days.  I meditated on quotes in my room.  I went for walks.  I read travel books.  I tried many more things to get re-inspired with no such luck.  That is, until the video.

The video showed me that the daily grind is challenging for EVERYONE.  Yes, I do feel, in my me-centered thinking, that there are extra challenges here like communicating.  But this daily grind is apart of too many of our lives; my friends' lives.  And it doesn't have to be.  If we can just all remember that we are lucky.  We can think.  We can think our way to positivity, neutrality, and negativity.

How many studies have I read about the power of positive thinking? How DAY A and DAY B are the same day, but person A and person B just had different moods.  And yet, just as Wallace says in his speech, sometimes you can't think yourself out.  Some days we WILL get frustrated.  My Dad or I will yell at that driver or banker.  But the more time I spend out of college, the more I feel the world IS what you make it.  It looks the way YOU want it too.  You can't change how it works but you CAN change how it effects YOU.  (Though I do intend to change parts of how it works and you're welcome to join me!)


P.S. My best advice on this: don't tell your overly stressed-out friend these thoughts.  Trust me, I've been there.  And when you're stressed out and someone says, "look, if YOU just see it like this..." all you want to do it punch them in the face because you didn't hear options, you heard "look, it's YOUR FAULT you think your life sucks, just stop being stupid".  Because inherently, we KNOW it's stupid to live in a negative mood.  So cheer up the stressed-out friend or leave them alone until they calm down.  They will calm down.  I have calmed down, and it's funny again.

Narnia Looks Good Frozen

It's Saturday and it's a work day.  Alas the price for 8 days off is 7 days on.  Thank you Chinese government holiday bureau, you're real sweet to me sometimes.  My second Chinese New Year found me with Sarah, her husband, mother, and, of course, sweet baby Ian.  My Chinese nephew is too cute for words, usually strange throaty sounds made through a smile seem to sum it up better.  I brought him two books from the US: The Lorax and The Places You Will Go by Dr. Seuss.   Sarah says she reads them everyday!  Dr. Seuss was and remains a big favorite of mine--I used his books in Nepal to teach our students.  Of course to continue being the good Uncle/college counselor I am, the hongbao (red envelop) I gave him was hopefully a small gift towards education.   That, and a stuffed animal snake as it is officially the year of the snake.  Whew! I survived the year of the snake.

I entered the New Year with Lynette watching fireworks from our apartment.  We watched Freedom Writers, a dangerous film for someone with 4.5 months left in a position to watch.  I saw it for the first time on my 18th birthday with very patient friends.  I like the story and to be reminded it just takes one person to care for change to occur.  Though movies tend to not have enough time to show how hard that change is generate.

Another thing on my mind is Lizzy Plapinger '10.  She was in my electronic music class also with Max.  She owned a record label in college, Neon Gold, that did well by producing just one song from an artist and making a limited run.  So I was caught by surprise when I learned she and Max have teamed up for a band: MS MR.  I've posted their new music video on too many people's walls, but whatever, it's so good, called "Fantasy".  Check them out!!!  Lizzy inspires me to go out for something big too.  She's worked really hard and I think will continue to have much success.

So after a few days chilling in Chengdu, reworking some music, and being useless, I flew to Harbin, a northern province above Korea.  It was cold which is a vast understatement.  It was maybe -14, -15 degrees C (6-8 degrees F) as the high!  And I spent many evenings outside after the sun was down (which happens around 5:00PM).  Of course Chicago gets that cold, but not for months on end.  Due to the cold, much of Harbin is covered under ice.  Snow falls, people walk on it, friction melts it, and then it freezes--well that's my explanation, that or Chinese are spitting everywhere and that's the ice.  Regardless of why, walking around was fun.  I managed to never fall all the way, but black ice was hard to miss.

So--why fly to this remote area? Oh, right, it's not remote because it's China and there are 10 million people there!  AND--Harbin's SNOW AND ICE FESTIVAL.  Every year around town ice and snow sculptures are made, the locals way to celebrate the descent into Siberian winter I guess.  Three parks with steep entrance fees showcased some of the best work.  The Snow and Ice main park contained ice sculptures that were at least 4 stories high.  And many ice building were climbable to the third story where slides awaited for easy transport down.  If you ever go, be sure to bring rain-pants as they make sliding down a fun ride.

I explored much of Harbin with Victor, an American from Beijing who's on his second working trip to China, and two Scottish girls: Susan and Sam.  Sam is teaching English in Suzhou, near Shanghai while her sister and mother were visiting from Scotland.  Meeting good company in a hostel is one of my favorite parts of traveling and why it can be so much fun to go alone.  Besides, who wants to drink alone in an ice bar?

In addition to the parks featuring frozen water, there was also a Siberian tiger reserve.  A Chinese reserve, so more like a big zoo.  Even one of the signs on the way there translated the Chinese into "zoo".  It was wonderful to see the tigers up close, but disheartening to see some of them in small cages.  Lincoln Park zoo's cages looked huge in comparison, but zoos are always a little sad.  The open habitats were large, but we bussed through it which was again, really cool, but yeah...just strange for a project that's trying to release the tigers into the wild.  And then, you could buy a live chicken and throw it into the cage!  Crazy!  Crazier still, I watched a blue truck drop a goat in a big habitat.  The goat looked terrified but the kind tigers quickly alleviated it of any worry.  Thank goodness I think tigers are awesome and care little for goats.  I saw one lion in a small cage as well, and of course, a few ligers.  We joked that the lion was Aslan from Narnia, imprisoned in his cage.

Of course, if Aslan was imprisoned, then the white queen is in power.  Judging by the freezing temperatures and ice palace like buildings, I saw this was the case.  So Narnia looks good frozen.  The last attraction to speak of was the river.  With the cold temperatures, it freezes and ice slides from the town rush down onto the surface.  Bumper cars, ice bikes (wheels with skates), go karts, ice skating, horse and carriage, and even a taxi cab were scattered around.  It was too much fun and our whole company became 5 years old again.  Victor and I crossed the river and I decided to take a funny picture by removing my shirts.  It was SO COLD and I lasted maybe two minutes.  Finally the sun set providing some wonderful photography over the icy river--not too bad for Valentine's Day on ice.

I feel in love on Valentine's day with the coolest music player ever.  Looking like a phonograph it could play records, CDs, DVDs, and had a USB input for iPod.  Only $2,000 US but Victor and I spent way to long enjoying it's beauty and sound quality.  It was a sad moment to leave it and yes, the idea of buying it and shipping home crossed our minds.

I got home safe and brought back a Russian flask and a minor cold.  It was good to travel again.  Sometimes I forget I can do this.  And guess what? People thought my Chinese was good? HA!  Not even close to the truth, but I guess confidence can go a long way.

Cheers

Chocolate Almond Chip

Last night was the end-of-the-year dinner for our staff in Chengdu.  We left work around 3pm and headed to the same reception site where Tina held her wedding.  I was seated at the head table with Lily Dai.  Eventually, the Chair of the Board arrived.  Her Chinese name always escapes my mind.  She happens to work very closely with the CEO in Shanghai.  Apparently in the business world, that makes her a big deal.  And yet I kept thinking how no one outside of our company knows who she is.  When she gave opening remarks (in Chinese of course), I kept trying to picture her as a kid.  It's a silly game, then again I'm a silly boy.

Regardless of my opinion (that she's a person like everyone else), she is important to many people in the room.  The HR man (who I'd never seen before--local Chinese HR) gathered many of my colleagues to the stage and they were all awarded for their hard work.  It was nice to see the company give back to so many of our best staff who work tirelessly.  Tina Lan, who I work closely with, was honored by having her mother deliver a speech to her!  Boy I wish I knew more in Chinese than food--but the look of Tina's face explained it all: embarrassed.  Her Mom was beaming the whole time.  Tina's apparently won best overall employee before, but still, she deserves it.  She's got passion for this and has helped me immensely as we've been steering the company in a brand new direction.

Then, to my surprise, the HR man came over to my table and asked Tingting if I had a Chinese name.  I don't.  Then Tingting said, oh yeah..."you're getting something too, you ready to speak?"  Whaaaaaat?  I'm kinda sick and tired of getting special treatment just because I'm a foreigner.  So the HR man said something in Chinese about one special employee who is different than all the others (I'm not Chinese) and blah blah blah Johnny.  Then, the Chair of the Board took the microphone.  I stood.  Tingting translated to me.  This is what I can remember:

Although this is only the third time we've met, I feel I know you.  Blah blah blah.  I'd heard a lot about you.  When ever there is a problem you fix it.  Whenever we need something, you try to get it done.  Blah blah blah, something about foreigners and things.  blah blah blah, good foreigner.  Blah blah blah.  Please accept this as a sign of our appreciation OR something like that.

So I went to the stage mumbled a "xie xie" (thank you).  And then spoke for maybe a minute from the heart, following the advice I had given Lily early;  advice given to me from the Maori in New Zealand.

I sat down and then I was nervous as I began to process all that just happened.  Her words were really nice and encouraging.  This job is ridiculous.  I've been pushed further than ever before.  I've broken down in safety of my bed room before going to work and after coming home.  Trying to help a company grow and see how they can approach everything in a different way is REALLY HARD.  Especially when that company is in a 5,000 year old culture.  I know that many of the counselors hold back things around me, trying to protect me from things due to my age--and that makes it even harder because I don't know what information I can trust.

And then.  Then there's this moment--where I'm standing in way too casual attire at a head table listening to a woman I don't really know praise me in front of the whole Chengdu company--and in this moment I smile.  At the time it felt like I was smiling because I was finally being recognized for the sometimes insane things I do for this job, but really I'm smiling and still smiling because I'm proud of myself.

I'm proud that I have made a difference.  I'm proud of my work here and I'm most proud that I'm smiling.  After returning home for that break, I wasn't sure I would be able to be this happy back here.  So New Zealand may have given me some great advice on speeches, fashion tips, and a fresh perspective on life but China's given me the greatest challenge so far by pushing me past what I thought were my limits.

Are you ready for this? I'm GLAD I stayed her for a second year.  Even if I doubted that decision as things became more and more tough.  When I doubted myself fully--well--you can't go any further.  So it seems I've turned around and am headed towards love.  Which was, funnily enough, one of my goals for the experience last year: to learn how to better love and accept myself.  Of course I forgot about it until now, but that's what makes this all the more special.

So do yourself a favor, go make some cookies.  I made chocolate almond chip cookies and they are delicious.  Even if you just have a toaster oven, you can make it work.  You can make it work with whatever you have, and by it, I mean life.

Love
Johnny

When the cookie crumbles...

Wow.  It's January 25th.  The last post I had was a positive resurgence after some troubling months.  I suppose this is another positive resurgence.  Resurgence: rising again into life.  Which of course means that there has been some falling out of life.  To me, this seems to be the norm for the 20s perhaps.  That navigation between graduating college and the first few steps in the "real world".  Granted college felt rather real.

I flew home for Christmas and New Year's.  Reuniting with loved ones was wonderful.  Being reminded of life possibilities was even more wonderful.  My friends are not all where they want to be, but then again, like me, are young.  However, many of them seemed to be taking bigger steps than I.  I'm proud of them all, even the undecided ones.  Leaving to return to Chengdu was surprisingly easy.

Once back, I informed my boss of my decision to not renew my contract next year.  After our meeting (she took the news very well), I was elated.  It felt easier to breathe because I knew and know that in 5 months, there's going to be a big change.  As to what that change will be? Hell if I know yet!

Unfortunately, life took that rise coldly and I found myself rather down due to my over-involvement in case of...let's call it...regrettable management.  Long story short: we lost a wonderful teacher.  And I re-learned a lesson I had forgotten from last year.  The event left me paused for a week both in thought and action.  I was not sure how to proceed.  What a shame!  I had just two weeks before pulled myself up and into a better place when my good spirits were again crushed.

In the moments of unchecked emotion, I found myself wondering as I do about the way of things.  They were bad, clearly.  But could I manage?  I wasn't sure so I dreamed about quitting.  But if I quit, then I'd return home dejected and bitter.  I'm sure I could count on some wonderful people back home to turn me around, but that's not what I want.  Staying here for second year was going to be harder than the first year.  I knew that when I agreed to stay. 

Let's me honest, I'm one tough cookie...sometimes!  And I'm not looking to evolve into a hardened soul, but I need some toughening up.  Of course, my job is not really "tough".  But this whole experience together is tough.  I didn't realize how hard this had been until I was flying home and had a moment to consider the life I was leading.  But the life I want to lead is tough too.  I have yet to figure out exactly what it will entail, but I like change.  I like improvement.  I like trying to make things better than I found them (with the understanding that I don't always know what is better from someone else's view).

So there I was last weekend.  Just rotting really in my doubts and indecision.  Wondering what I could do to make this experience feel more possible and try to turn this around.

So I bought a plane ticket.

Boom.  Elation.  I bought a plane ticket at 1:33AM Monday morning.  I should have been sleeping, but I was researching a plan.  No, I'm not going home.   I'm going to fly to Harbin over the Chinese New Year holiday.  I hear there's a large ice festival and Siberian tigers.  It's going to be super cold and I'm going on my own.  And I can't wait. 

But it gets better.  I really can't wait.  I really can't wait for my life to feel better so I'm proud to say this was a great week!  My Chinese lessons are a bit of fun on Sundays with my teacher.  We probably laugh more than learn but maybe that's what I need.  This past Monday I went to a KTV with some applications counselors from work.  I rocked Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" and a frustrating Monday was turned around.  This week I was allowed to screen Erin Brockovich and stand on a soap box at two schools explaining social responsibility.  I think I even got through to a kid or two.  I hope to continue such activities with the students.  Their Chinese education seems to take too much time, leaving them with no desire to do anything.  I think I can help.

Additionally, I've taken on a role as a guidance counselor of sorts.  One of the students I've met with has made a large improvement in his grades, motivation, and goals.  I have been meeting with him much.  Although teaching last year had it's fun moments, working with the kids who are struggling and helping them through is really hard to appropriately label with descriptive words.  "The best" is an understatement.

I can't wait for my life to feel better, so I'm done waiting.  I'm taking action.  Work will still pull at my emotions, office politics, company politics, petty arguments; but I think I can do it.  Just like Thomas, the tank engine.

Besides, as I remembered when chatting with a student yesterday, my blood type is B+.  So really, positivity is always in me.


Thanks to all the wonderful people in my life who encourage my idealism telling me I can fly and those other wonderful people who tell me if I fly I could fall.  It's a good balance.

Wishing you the best.  I think I need to go make some more cookies.