Wow. It's January 25th. The last post I had was a positive resurgence after some troubling months. I suppose this is another positive resurgence. Resurgence: rising again into life. Which of course means that there has been some falling out of life. To me, this seems to be the norm for the 20s perhaps. That navigation between graduating college and the first few steps in the "real world". Granted college felt rather real.
I flew home for Christmas and New Year's. Reuniting with loved ones was wonderful. Being reminded of life possibilities was even more wonderful. My friends are not all where they want to be, but then again, like me, are young. However, many of them seemed to be taking bigger steps than I. I'm proud of them all, even the undecided ones. Leaving to return to Chengdu was surprisingly easy.
Once back, I informed my boss of my decision to not renew my contract next year. After our meeting (she took the news very well), I was elated. It felt easier to breathe because I knew and know that in 5 months, there's going to be a big change. As to what that change will be? Hell if I know yet!
Unfortunately, life took that rise coldly and I found myself rather down due to my over-involvement in case of...let's call it...regrettable management. Long story short: we lost a wonderful teacher. And I re-learned a lesson I had forgotten from last year. The event left me paused for a week both in thought and action. I was not sure how to proceed. What a shame! I had just two weeks before pulled myself up and into a better place when my good spirits were again crushed.
In the moments of unchecked emotion, I found myself wondering as I do about the way of things. They were bad, clearly. But could I manage? I wasn't sure so I dreamed about quitting. But if I quit, then I'd return home dejected and bitter. I'm sure I could count on some wonderful people back home to turn me around, but that's not what I want. Staying here for second year was going to be harder than the first year. I knew that when I agreed to stay.
Let's me honest, I'm one tough cookie...sometimes! And I'm not looking to evolve into a hardened soul, but I need some toughening up. Of course, my job is not really "tough". But this whole experience together is tough. I didn't realize how hard this had been until I was flying home and had a moment to consider the life I was leading. But the life I want to lead is tough too. I have yet to figure out exactly what it will entail, but I like change. I like improvement. I like trying to make things better than I found them (with the understanding that I don't always know what is better from someone else's view).
So there I was last weekend. Just rotting really in my doubts and indecision. Wondering what I could do to make this experience feel more possible and try to turn this around.
So I bought a plane ticket.
Boom. Elation. I bought a plane ticket at 1:33AM Monday morning. I should have been sleeping, but I was researching a plan. No, I'm not going home. I'm going to fly to Harbin over the Chinese New Year holiday. I hear there's a large ice festival and Siberian tigers. It's going to be super cold and I'm going on my own. And I can't wait.
But it gets better. I really can't wait. I really can't wait for my life to feel better so I'm proud to say this was a great week! My Chinese lessons are a bit of fun on Sundays with my teacher. We probably laugh more than learn but maybe that's what I need. This past Monday I went to a KTV with some applications counselors from work. I rocked Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" and a frustrating Monday was turned around. This week I was allowed to screen Erin Brockovich and stand on a soap box at two schools explaining social responsibility. I think I even got through to a kid or two. I hope to continue such activities with the students. Their Chinese education seems to take too much time, leaving them with no desire to do anything. I think I can help.
Additionally, I've taken on a role as a guidance counselor of sorts. One of the students I've met with has made a large improvement in his grades, motivation, and goals. I have been meeting with him much. Although teaching last year had it's fun moments, working with the kids who are struggling and helping them through is really hard to appropriately label with descriptive words. "The best" is an understatement.
I can't wait for my life to feel better, so I'm done waiting. I'm taking action. Work will still pull at my emotions, office politics, company politics, petty arguments; but I think I can do it. Just like Thomas, the tank engine.
Besides, as I remembered when chatting with a student yesterday, my blood type is B+. So really, positivity is always in me.
Thanks to all the wonderful people in my life who encourage my idealism telling me I can fly and those other wonderful people who tell me if I fly I could fall. It's a good balance.
Wishing you the best. I think I need to go make some more cookies.
I flew home for Christmas and New Year's. Reuniting with loved ones was wonderful. Being reminded of life possibilities was even more wonderful. My friends are not all where they want to be, but then again, like me, are young. However, many of them seemed to be taking bigger steps than I. I'm proud of them all, even the undecided ones. Leaving to return to Chengdu was surprisingly easy.
Once back, I informed my boss of my decision to not renew my contract next year. After our meeting (she took the news very well), I was elated. It felt easier to breathe because I knew and know that in 5 months, there's going to be a big change. As to what that change will be? Hell if I know yet!
Unfortunately, life took that rise coldly and I found myself rather down due to my over-involvement in case of...let's call it...regrettable management. Long story short: we lost a wonderful teacher. And I re-learned a lesson I had forgotten from last year. The event left me paused for a week both in thought and action. I was not sure how to proceed. What a shame! I had just two weeks before pulled myself up and into a better place when my good spirits were again crushed.
In the moments of unchecked emotion, I found myself wondering as I do about the way of things. They were bad, clearly. But could I manage? I wasn't sure so I dreamed about quitting. But if I quit, then I'd return home dejected and bitter. I'm sure I could count on some wonderful people back home to turn me around, but that's not what I want. Staying here for second year was going to be harder than the first year. I knew that when I agreed to stay.
Let's me honest, I'm one tough cookie...sometimes! And I'm not looking to evolve into a hardened soul, but I need some toughening up. Of course, my job is not really "tough". But this whole experience together is tough. I didn't realize how hard this had been until I was flying home and had a moment to consider the life I was leading. But the life I want to lead is tough too. I have yet to figure out exactly what it will entail, but I like change. I like improvement. I like trying to make things better than I found them (with the understanding that I don't always know what is better from someone else's view).
So there I was last weekend. Just rotting really in my doubts and indecision. Wondering what I could do to make this experience feel more possible and try to turn this around.
So I bought a plane ticket.
Boom. Elation. I bought a plane ticket at 1:33AM Monday morning. I should have been sleeping, but I was researching a plan. No, I'm not going home. I'm going to fly to Harbin over the Chinese New Year holiday. I hear there's a large ice festival and Siberian tigers. It's going to be super cold and I'm going on my own. And I can't wait.
But it gets better. I really can't wait. I really can't wait for my life to feel better so I'm proud to say this was a great week! My Chinese lessons are a bit of fun on Sundays with my teacher. We probably laugh more than learn but maybe that's what I need. This past Monday I went to a KTV with some applications counselors from work. I rocked Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" and a frustrating Monday was turned around. This week I was allowed to screen Erin Brockovich and stand on a soap box at two schools explaining social responsibility. I think I even got through to a kid or two. I hope to continue such activities with the students. Their Chinese education seems to take too much time, leaving them with no desire to do anything. I think I can help.
Additionally, I've taken on a role as a guidance counselor of sorts. One of the students I've met with has made a large improvement in his grades, motivation, and goals. I have been meeting with him much. Although teaching last year had it's fun moments, working with the kids who are struggling and helping them through is really hard to appropriately label with descriptive words. "The best" is an understatement.
I can't wait for my life to feel better, so I'm done waiting. I'm taking action. Work will still pull at my emotions, office politics, company politics, petty arguments; but I think I can do it. Just like Thomas, the tank engine.
Besides, as I remembered when chatting with a student yesterday, my blood type is B+. So really, positivity is always in me.
Thanks to all the wonderful people in my life who encourage my idealism telling me I can fly and those other wonderful people who tell me if I fly I could fall. It's a good balance.
Wishing you the best. I think I need to go make some more cookies.
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