So I've accepted I'm in China, but now I'm struggling to understand that I'm staying here for a bit. I've never been out of the US for Halloween before and it came and passed without me really thinking about it much. But now Thanksgiving is approaching. Thanks to Marissa, I have been away from my family on Thanksgiving once before and survived, but I still had a proper Thanksgiving dinner. Mark is organizing Thanksgiving; and thanks to my Mom, I now have heaps of pumpkin and pumpkin pie spice! So there will be pumpkin pie (even if I have to go to war against my toaster oven) and pumpkin bread.
And then there's Christmas. Which I was reminded of while listening to Christmas music on repeat in IKEA of all places!
I've NEVER missed Christmas. I've NEVER not woken up in my bed in my room in my parent's house. I've been sick on Christmas, yes, but never so so far away. It feels weird too, that my dog won't be celebrating Christmas with us either. As she lived to be 15, I don't really remember Christmas without her. So between the two of us, we've changed the holiday for our family. And THAT is what feels weird and a bit unfair for them. Today I was daydreaming of somehow showing up on Christmas day to a very surprised brother and parents. But that really isn't possible. I've seen Trains, Planes, and Automobiles and China to Chicago just seems like it would be a three-part epic; maybe even with alternate endings. Christmas is a Sunday, and I'll be teaching that Monday. Because somehow...I'm a grown-up? Okay I'm laughing too, don't worry...I'm still Johnny; just stuck-in-China Johnny.
It's just weird, you know? Knowing that I chose this. And don't get me wrong, I do want to be here...but maybe, oh I don't know, maybe I didn't really think it through. A year is a long time. And then I think, how did people do this before the Internet? Like when our parents generation backpacked through Europe. Man, they couldn't even post pictures or blog! And then I start feeling okay, even almost normal. I'll be there for Thanksgiving. I mean I won't lie, I wish Steve Jobs had finished the "sending food" ap. I mean this was Roald Dahl's work: Willy Wonka could transfer chocolate! But I suppose the side effects of eating computer generated food might put a strain on this already strained stomach. And I'll be home for Christmas, though I won't be able to smell the tree. But I'll be there. As long as there's wi-fi at the relatives house, I may even sing for Santa. I'll get to see my cousin's new baby. I'll get to wish my parents and brother Merry Christmas face-to-face and that, that is what I want for Christmas. In fact, while I'm at this trying-to-make-life-better-quest, being physically away from my family and friends, may actually bring me closer. It sure brings a lot of clarity and forgiveness. Forgiveness for old grudges, and more so, forgiveness for the self. Of all those silly things I've done without thinking..."Like China?" you ask. "No, China doesn't count. I did think--for a week!" And yes, I do see your point. :)
Technology can feel so cold sometimes, but it can also provide such warmth. Now I can't wait for Christmas. It will be different, but I think it may just be the most meaningful one yet. And perhaps, that's what I need this year in my life: more meaning.
Is that why I'm in China? Gosh, who knows!!!
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