You will need:
sugar, salt, spices, eggs, pumpkin, spices, evaporated milk, shortening, milk, SPICES, water, patience, support of a friend, pandas, wax paper, skinny-fondant rolling pin, mother, e-mail, grocery store, yoga mat, Family Guy, spring-form pan, toaster oven, a sense of humor, a sense of hope, determination, anger management, spices, time, to be in China, and a therapist on call.
Step 1. E-mail mom to obtain recipie
Step 2. Realize that you forgot to e-mail for crust
Step 3. Spend 30mins google searching "Cross-the-bowl strokes" "boiling water" and "shortening" and other phrases you can pull out of your sleep brain
Step 4. Find potential crust recipe
Step 5. Realize that you're out of flour
Step 6. Return with flour, and a yoga-mat.
Step 7. Procrastinate making the crust (seriously?)
Step 8. In a much-to-small bowl, combine boiling water, shortening, and a tablespoon of strange vacuum-sealed milk; make sure to spill much of the contents on the counter
Step 9. Add 2 cups of partially-maybe-kinda sifted flour; make sure to cover previous spill with layer of flour.
Step 10. Chill the dough while watching Family Guy.
Step 11. In that same too-small bowl, combine very coarsely grained sugar (as it was the most identifiable as sugar) with salt, and vast amounts of cinnamon, ginger, cloves and additional pumpkin pie spice.
Step 12. Beat two impossible to crack Chinese eggs and stir in the spice mixture and pumpkin
Step 13. Gradually add evaporated milk, but not all of the can because it's too big. But first forget it's too big, and then suddenly remember before it's too late. This will make your pie experience more exciting.
Step 14. Roll out hopefully chilled dough with a tiny fondant-sized rolling pin. Roll it out very very very wide as the pumpkin pie dish is a spring form pan on wax paper.
Step 15. Somehow perform an amazing feat of flawlessly putting the crust into the pan
Step 16. patch up all the holes in the crust with reserved dough.
Step 17. Continue to patch up more holes as fears that it will never be able to served start flooding your mind.
Step 18. Pour pumpkin pie mixture into crust.
Step 19. Put pie into toaster oven, slightly pre-heated.
Step 20. Turn down toaster oven temperature after ten minutes.
Step 21. Notice steam/smoke from excess oil dripping from greasing the pan.
Step 22. FREAK OUT!
Step 23. Be reminded from a friend that it's just a pie and calm down...
Step 24 ...but only on the surface; remain anxious insdie for the next 2 hours as the pie slowly cooks
Step 25. turn on the top of the oven to "de-jellyfy" the top.
Step 26. TURN OFF THE TOP; the pie is souffle-ing!
Step 27. Leave kitchen and swear at the pie
Step 28. Return to kitchen and apologize to the pie
Step 29. Start decorating apartment to get mind off pie.
Step 30. Forget about pie
Step 31. Remember the pie, run into kitchen, and insert knife into pie.
Step 32. Contemplate worshiping the toaster oven as the knife comes out clean
Step 33. Safely remove the pie
Step 34. Try to explain to said friend that you didn't overreact at all during the past 4 hours.
Step 35. Bring pie to Thanksgiving potluck the next day and return with half of the pie! Consider anger management for rage that NO ONE seemed as excited about the pie, but instead remember that there is now more pie for you.
Step 36. Enjoy delicious pumpkin pie!
Please note: making this pie without a toaster oven outside of China will not properly generate all of the necessary emotions required to fully enjoy eating the pie.
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