Christmas is almost over. In fact there are only two hours left. I am very ready for this holiday weekend to be over.
On Friday (23rd), I awoke late and felt surprisingly good considering my birthday shenanigans. I wrote the previous blog entry and then Jerry and Cindy invited me to lunch...at McDonald's. Not Jerry's cup of tea (no rice!) but Cindy seemed to enjoy it. We chatted about the upcoming Christmas dinner the following night. I realized I needed to leave as I was hoping to crank out an apple pie before the Dipont Christmas dinner.
So naturally at 4:50pm, I found myself shaving while increasing the temperature on the pie while putting on clothes tying a long tie (somewhat successfully), removed the almost done pie, and was out the door, running to McDonald's. I arrived at 5:10, but the tie seemed to make up a bit for my lateness. Perhaps I was a bit too dressed up, but it was Christmas Dinner. Traffic was awful and the Chinese driver blamed me for those ten minutes. Whatever. We arrived to a fancy schmancy buffet, which was decent but not my favorite. It was very loud and crowded (like China usually is) and the food wasn't wonderful...though they did have real ice cream. Win.
The highlight of the evening was coming home on the bus riding next to two of Steve's three kids: Emma, Arwin, and Adam. Emma seemed to know it all; though I was able to convince Adam to fear the Chengdu Shark, you know the one that doesn't need water to survive? The kids were charming and it made the whole night feel more like Chirstmas, which at the time was good, but as I write this not-so-good.
I returned home and started making snickerdoodles. I was able to make 7 at a time, baking for 20 minutes. Then I made chocolate vegan cake, a recipe learned from my housemate Briar in New Zealand. After which I decided I needed to make banana bread/cake. And all of a sudden, it was 3am! But Christmas had to happen (I need to find a different word right now for that holiday).
So the-holiday-that-must-not-be-named-eve, found me up and rolling! Cynthia was out gathering supplies with a heavy heart...the-holiday-that-must-not-be-named abroad is difficult to say the least. But when I returned from Walmart with more supplies, she had already cranked out lasagna cheese sauce and lasagna meat sauce! My apartment smelled like Chri---the-holiday-that-must-not-be-named. Throughout the day, Jerry and Cindy came over to help and we cranked out pork roast, roast chicken, lasagna, baked veggies, mashed potatoes, decorated the cake, and heaps of purchased rolls. We took one short noodle-break but all realized we'd been on our feet for hours, especially Cynthia; the holiday-that-must-not-be-named trooper!
Oh and that chicken? Well, thank goodness I worked on a farm! It came with feet, head, and all organs intact. I remember Rob, my farmer-boss, teaching me that some organs must not be cut open, so I did my best and carefully knife out the innards, removed the feet, and the neck and head. One of those moments that made me really thankful for this past summer.
Lynette, Maggie, Androgeny, Elliot, Victor (Elliot's roommate), Mark, Charles, Steve, Adam, Arwin, Emma, Laurrr, Hans, Jerry, Cindy, Katy (another teacher at different Dipont center), Cynthia, and I enjoyed a very nice spread of food. Tom and his family stopped by to say hello with their daughter, home from US college for the holidays. Our friends were very impressed with our cooking. I spent the night babysitting the kids, taking pictures, fussing over food, and finally relaxing. It was so nice of Jerry and Cindy to provide the space. Even better--they gave Cynthia and I each a gift--which meant I had something to open on the-holiday-that-must-not-be-named.
As the evening progressed and the kids left, the mulled wine and Tibetan wine started flowing. Finally it was 12:01am and people began leaving. Which let me open up my gift! There was no way I was going to be able to open the gift alone in my apartment on the holiday-that-must-not-be-named. I opened the beautifully wrapped packaging and found a red/black scarf; the first scarf I've owned in years and the first that I will wear. I was thrilled...not by the scarf, but by the kindness of Jerry and Cindy.
Cynthia and I departed from August and ended up meeting Lynette out on the town. I wore my Santa hat and probably should not have gone--I really wasn't in the mood; but the thought of being all alone on the eve or early morning of...well, you know...was just not appealing. Once inside the club (where the staff all had on Santa hats), the music got to me and I started busting moves, attracting watchers as I'm a rather tall white kid in China who dances like no one is watching.
Finally I arrived home after making plans via text to skype the family.
I awoke maybe four hours later at 9am to Skype on the holiday-that-must-not-be-named. It was nice being able to feel like a part of it, even 10,000 miles away. I went back to bed afterwards and woke up determined to get out of my place. Jerry and Cindy invited me for lunch and we grabbed Cynthia and had Chinese on Christmas (I said it, err wrote it)...which made me feel Jewish. Afterwards Cynthia and I departed for town. Christmas in China means sales and I needed some warmer gear to survive in Chengdu. I found some wool socks, extra pair of sweat pants, a jumper, and a down-coat (or at least it feels like feathers inside). We ate a strange Christmas (I said it again!) dinner and then found a grocery store Cynthia had been wanting to go to. Finally we cabbed back and parted ways.
It was a good day. Christmas Eve (this is progress!) was great too. But, then I facetimed my parents and all of my hard work this weekend to distract myself feel through. They were on their way to church and I asked to see the tree. Santa came for me and left an iTunes gift card and I saw the tree and felt feelings welling up. Thankfully, my parents had to go. And then it happened. The damn broke and I sat in my apartment alone on Christmas crying. No, it wasn't about the tree or the presents, it was about my presence or lack there of. Even if I skype in for Chirstmas day tomorrow morning, I'm still not there. Christmas is the best family time; everyone is in a good mood and it's just, well, merry. So I let myself shed those feelings, which I no longer needed to hold onto (with only hours remaining of Christmas day).
The crying made me wonder about all those adventure people, you know, the ones who go off and come back with those amazing tales? Do they cry on Christmas and just leave that part out? Or do they just emotionally distance themselves from friends and family? Or are they running away from friends and family? I want to adventure, but I think, well I know now, that I want to be home for Christmas. I want to be home when the family's gathered. And more than that: if those adventurers don't cry on Christmas, than I don't want to be an adventurer. How could one not miss one's family? How could one not miss one's friends? How could one not cry like a blubbering idiot on Christmas? (And why is our generation so obsessed with ourselves that we blubber like idiots on public spaces like blogs? -- which makes me laugh now as I edit)
I like feeling. And for me, when I have these moments...well after I've calmed down, I feel good. Okay so I'm not fully there yet tonight, but I'm headed that direction. When I left NZ I cried like a baby, and I realized how important that experience was to me. Today I truly learned something I've suspected for much of my life: I love my family so much. Like beyond words. They've loved me since before I could talk and even continued loving me after I could!
Being away in New Zealand was for a semester and thus didn't generate this feelings--as I was home for the holidays. This adventure in China is truly an adventure, which is proving to be very difficult today. But, here comes that mostly unwavering positivity: I still think it's for my best. I firmly believe that leaving people and experiences, can remove the clutter in your mind and help you focus on what's really important. And today, it's family. And tomorrow, it's family. And for every other day of my life, it's family. My family is so important to me, which is a statement people always say, but I really mean it--like through tears mean it--and that's gotta mean something! Not that I have an idea of what's it's like to not have a family, but this one Christmas without has proved to be a powerful one in firming and, perhaps, solidifying my beliefs on the topic of family and leaves me feeling very lucky to have had a life where I have been able to celebrate with the same people every year.
And even if I'm still upset now, I know that tomorrow will be better and I'll always remember this Christmas as the one that filled me with the most love for my family.
And that's a pretty huge gift.
As for the blue Christmas, Chengdu saw the sun today. Guess I'm not the only one seeing the light.
Merry Christmas!
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