Blue Christmas (caution: feeling content is high)

Christmas is almost over.  In fact there are only two hours left.  I am very ready for this holiday weekend to be over.

On Friday (23rd), I awoke late and felt surprisingly good considering my birthday shenanigans.  I wrote the previous blog entry and then Jerry and Cindy invited me to lunch...at McDonald's.  Not Jerry's cup of tea (no rice!) but Cindy seemed to enjoy it.  We chatted about the upcoming Christmas dinner the following night.  I realized I needed to leave as I was hoping to crank out an apple pie before the Dipont Christmas dinner.

So naturally at 4:50pm, I found myself shaving while increasing the temperature on the pie while putting on clothes tying a long tie (somewhat successfully), removed the almost done pie, and was out the door, running to McDonald's.  I arrived at 5:10, but the tie seemed to make up a bit for my lateness.  Perhaps I was a bit too dressed up, but it was Christmas Dinner.  Traffic was awful and the Chinese driver blamed me for those ten minutes.  Whatever.  We arrived to a fancy schmancy buffet, which was decent but not my favorite.  It was very loud and crowded (like China usually is) and the food wasn't wonderful...though they did have real ice cream.  Win.

The highlight of the evening was coming home on the bus riding next to two of Steve's three kids: Emma, Arwin, and Adam.  Emma seemed to know it all; though I was able to convince Adam to fear the Chengdu Shark, you know the one that doesn't need water to survive?  The kids were charming and it made the whole night feel more like Chirstmas, which at the time was good, but as I write this not-so-good.

I returned home and started making snickerdoodles.  I was able to make 7 at a time, baking for 20 minutes.  Then I made chocolate vegan cake, a recipe learned from my housemate Briar in New Zealand.  After which I decided I needed to make banana bread/cake.  And all of a sudden, it was 3am!  But Christmas had to happen (I need to find a different word right now for that holiday).

So the-holiday-that-must-not-be-named-eve, found me up and rolling!  Cynthia was out gathering supplies with a heavy heart...the-holiday-that-must-not-be-named abroad is difficult to say the least.  But when I returned from Walmart with more supplies, she had already cranked out lasagna cheese sauce and lasagna meat sauce!  My apartment smelled like Chri---the-holiday-that-must-not-be-named.  Throughout the day, Jerry and Cindy came over to help and we cranked out pork roast, roast chicken, lasagna, baked veggies, mashed potatoes, decorated the cake, and heaps of purchased rolls.  We took one short noodle-break but all realized we'd been on our feet for hours, especially Cynthia; the holiday-that-must-not-be-named trooper!

Oh and that chicken? Well, thank goodness I worked on a farm!  It came with feet, head, and all organs intact.  I remember Rob, my farmer-boss, teaching me that some organs must not be cut open, so I did my best and carefully knife out the innards, removed the feet, and the neck and head.  One of those moments that made me really thankful for this past summer.

Lynette, Maggie, Androgeny, Elliot, Victor (Elliot's roommate), Mark, Charles, Steve, Adam, Arwin, Emma, Laurrr, Hans, Jerry, Cindy, Katy (another teacher at different Dipont center), Cynthia, and I enjoyed a very nice spread of food.  Tom and his family stopped by to say hello with their daughter, home from US college for the holidays.  Our friends were very impressed with our cooking.  I spent the night babysitting the kids, taking pictures, fussing over food, and finally relaxing.  It was so nice of Jerry and Cindy to provide the space.  Even better--they gave Cynthia and I each a gift--which meant I had something to open on the-holiday-that-must-not-be-named.

As the evening progressed and the kids left, the mulled wine and Tibetan wine started flowing.  Finally it was 12:01am and people began leaving.  Which let me open up my gift!  There was no way I was going to be able to open the gift alone in my apartment on the holiday-that-must-not-be-named.  I opened the beautifully wrapped packaging and found a red/black scarf; the first scarf I've owned in years and the first that I will wear.  I was thrilled...not by the scarf, but by the kindness of Jerry and Cindy.

Cynthia and I departed from August and ended up meeting Lynette out on the town.  I wore my Santa hat and probably should not have gone--I really wasn't in the mood; but the thought of being all alone on the eve or early morning of...well, you know...was just not appealing.  Once inside the club (where the staff all had on Santa hats), the music got to me and I started busting moves, attracting watchers as I'm a rather tall white kid in China who dances like no one is watching.

Finally I arrived home after making plans via text to skype the family.

I awoke maybe four hours later at 9am to Skype on the holiday-that-must-not-be-named.  It was nice being able to feel like a part of it, even 10,000 miles away.  I went back to bed afterwards and woke up determined to get out of my place.  Jerry and Cindy invited me for lunch and we grabbed Cynthia and had Chinese on Christmas (I said it, err wrote it)...which made me feel Jewish.  Afterwards Cynthia and I departed for town.  Christmas in China means sales and I needed some warmer gear to survive in Chengdu.  I found some wool socks, extra pair of sweat pants, a jumper, and a down-coat (or at least it feels like feathers inside).  We ate a strange Christmas (I said it again!) dinner and then found a grocery store Cynthia had been wanting to go to.  Finally we cabbed back and parted ways.

It was a good day.  Christmas Eve (this is progress!) was great too.  But, then I facetimed my parents and all of my hard work this weekend to distract myself feel through. They were on their way to church and I asked to see the tree.  Santa came for me and left an iTunes gift card and I saw the tree and felt feelings welling up.  Thankfully, my parents had to go.  And then it happened.  The damn broke and I sat in my apartment alone on Christmas crying.  No, it wasn't about the tree or the presents, it was about my presence or lack there of.  Even if I skype in for Chirstmas day tomorrow morning, I'm still not there.  Christmas is the best family time; everyone is in a good mood and it's just, well, merry. So I let myself shed those feelings, which I no longer needed to hold onto (with only hours remaining of Christmas day).

The crying made me wonder about all those adventure people, you know, the ones who go off and come back with those amazing tales?  Do they cry on Christmas and just leave that part out?  Or do they just emotionally distance themselves from friends and family?  Or are they running away from friends and family?  I want to adventure, but I think, well I know now, that I want to be home for Christmas.  I want to be home when the family's gathered.  And more than that: if those adventurers don't cry on Christmas, than I don't want to be an adventurer.  How could one not miss one's family?  How could one not miss one's friends?  How could one not cry like a blubbering idiot on Christmas? (And why is our generation so obsessed with ourselves that we blubber like idiots on public spaces like blogs? -- which makes me laugh now as I edit)
I like feeling.  And for me, when I have these moments...well after I've calmed down, I feel good.  Okay so I'm not fully there yet tonight, but I'm headed that direction.  When I left NZ I cried like a baby, and I realized how important that experience was to me.  Today I truly learned something I've suspected for much of my life: I love my family so much.  Like beyond words.  They've loved me since before I could talk and even continued loving me after I could!

Being away in New Zealand was for a semester and thus didn't generate this feelings--as I was home for the holidays.  This adventure in China is truly an adventure, which is proving to be very difficult today.   But, here comes that mostly unwavering positivity: I still think it's for my best.  I firmly believe that leaving people and experiences, can remove the clutter in your mind and help you focus on what's really important.  And today, it's family.  And tomorrow, it's family.  And for every other day of my life, it's family.  My family is so important to me, which is a statement people always say, but I really mean it--like through tears mean it--and that's gotta mean something!  Not that I have an idea of what's it's like to not have a family, but this one Christmas without has proved to be a powerful one in firming and, perhaps, solidifying my beliefs on the topic of family and leaves me feeling very lucky to have had a life where I have been able to celebrate with the same people every year.

And even if I'm still upset now, I know that tomorrow will be better and I'll always remember this Christmas as the one that filled me with the most love for my family.

And that's a pretty huge gift.

As for the blue Christmas, Chengdu saw the sun today.  Guess I'm not the only one seeing the light.

Merry Christmas!

Happiness is...

I feel much better health-wise, China-wise, and even Christmas-wise.  Which is just awesome.  This week was nice, quite slow due to not much teaching.  Classes were canceled on Friday and on Tuesday, no one was teaching Senior 3.

On Tuesday, the foreign AP teachers were invited to lunch with the Chinese principal: the head of the whole 6,000+ student school.  Lunch was extravagant: lamb, best cuts of pig, whole shrimp, frozen fish bits served with a giant rose-colored piece of ice, turtle (with shell), frog soup, small potatoes, strange fruits, and more.  Needless to say, many of us finished lunch still a bit hungry.  I did try the turtle and yes, it was good--but not something I'd ever order myself.  Though I would order frog; it's good and frogs aren't turtles.  The frozen fish slices were thin and covered in "Chinese-wasabi" of many different colors and it was too spicy and strange for me to eat.  The highlight of the lunch was the pandas.  The principal gave each of us a plush panda and cub.  Needless to say, I have slept much better this week :)

On Wednesday, I finally gave out my make-up midterm, which means I now have 25 midterms to grade.  But I feel better getting many students caught up.  Though we're very behind.  We've covered 5 chapters out of 14 and only 200 out of 700 pages in the text.  Part of this is the two weeks (one due to me sick the other the students gone) I didn’t teach and part of it is I started Oct 8, not in August.  But the exam is in May and we have three weeks off for Chinese New Year, so it's gonna be tight.  I'll have to learn how and where to make curriculum cuts.

Yesterday, after teaching a class full of videos (Ames Room, Phi Phenomenon with Christmas lights synced to music, and more), I returned home and quickly ate my favorite noodles, bought some party food/drink, and then friends arrived: my lunar bday!  It was a wonderful evening.  Lynette, Androgeny, Elliot, and Maggie (Chinese university students) surprised me with a cake, Cynthia surprised me with a NZ themed gift, and I invited my computer guy (and his wife) and the August staff.  Even more to my surprise, Neil (the computer guy), and his wife, Brandy, showed up bearing traditional rice wine (strong strong stuff).  Neil has helped me with my Internet twice and speaks a bit of English.  He has mentioned he wants to practice his English and hang out, but I was still surprised he came.  His wife teaches Japanese at Chengwai, my school, and was a lot of fun.  Then another knock at the door produced the August crew: Jerry, Laurrr, and Cindy sans Hans.  They brought me a fruit basket!  I repeatedly (and perhaps drunkenly) said throughout the night, "This is the happiest I have been in China".   After Neil and Brandy heard that I sing, Jerry and I made-up a song about Lunar birthdays and friends; maybe not our best impromptu, but it a lot of fun.

Then, I learned that it was Hans's lunar birthday (a far bigger deal than mine) and we took the whole party to August, bringing cake for him!  He was surprised and delighted!  We hung out there for the rest of the night--the idea of going downtown not very appealing.  The whole night I was happy.

Some of my thoughts in China are about the big China adventure and how to be more adventurous.  My ideas of this always revolve around going somewhere else and climbing mountains.  Taking beautiful pictures is one of my favorite things to do--especially when it requires being in beautiful places.  I told a friend this summer that without photography I'm not sure I'd ever want to leave a summit--it's hard to leave natural beauty.  And I still have many many places that I want to see in China and in the world and marvel at all the beauty.  And when I have free time and chose to just stay in Chengdu and relax, sometimes I beat myself up a little for not pushing the envelope and getting out there and adventuring.  BUT, for the first time, I'm starting to see life a little differently.  Part of the adventure has always been meeting new people, but maybe I get so caught up in looking for beauty that, well, I miss what's here.  So there's a shift in the adventure: from finding beautiful landscapes and scenery to finding beautiful experiences.  Of course the real goal would be to stop needing to actively search and, instead, see what beauty there already is.

Last night was beautiful: I was surrounded by people who I care about.  I felt so fortunate that I am here in China and more fortunate that these people I've met are here in China.  Friendships are just as beautiful as the most breath-taking summits.

Chinese Flu

I got sick.  I haven't been sick in awhile and I kinda failed at being sick--because I went to work the day after having a fever, thinking I was better.  I forgot my chord to show the powerpoint, was a bit irritable, and ended up staying home the rest of the week.  But when I felt no better I headed to the hospital on Friday.

Chinese hospitals are more like health clinics.  After being worried every time a student has e-mailed me headed to the hospital, I know understand that hospitals are where you go for everything.  Simon, one of the Chinese staff from work, picked me up with a hired driver.  We made it to the hospital where it was a mere 5 yuan to get a ticket to to see a Dr.  She was nice, and diagnosed me almost instantly with Chinese flu (or that was the translation Simon provided).  I was not very sure what they thought I had, but I found myself paying for a 17 yuan blood test, getting the test done, and eventually bringing the results back down to the doctor, who was eating her lunch.  She smiled, so maybe blood work is good? I'm not sure still.  She prescribed three mystery medications; one to take tomorrow; one to take three times a day and one to take today--as an infusion.

But before the infusion, I needed to eat something, so Simon and I left and found some bread, which was about all my appetite could hold.  We returned to the infusion people and they got the needle in my left hand.  All was well until I felt a very strange sensation which Simon realized was probably because the fluid was going into my hand, but maybe not my veins.  There was a rather large bump on my hand.  I could only laugh.  Because when you don't understand something you can fear it or you can laugh.  Needless to say, I laugh a lot in China.  They switched the needle to my other hand and after 2 hours, I was free to go.

We took a taxi back and Cynthia popped over and made me a delicious chicken broth and rice soup.  Sarah offered to make rice porridge.  Jerry, Cindy, Hans and Laurrr (the August crew) came over that night for a ten-minute visit to make sure I was alive.  Mark, the principal, brought over his homemade chicken soup the next day and by Saturday evening I was finally starting to feel a bit better.

When I get sick, I always get super-stressed, which never ever ever makes me feel better.  Thanks to Mark's decision that I was not to come to school, I was able to take time off and start feeling better.  And thanks to the offers of food and care, I felt much of the stress melt away.  Though I am now behind in my teaching plan...but so what.  I've been behind the whole year starting in October and that hasn't stopped me yet.  Besides, I'm a 1st year teacher...I need to learn to give myself some credit for getting through the 5 chapters I've gotten through!

This week, though not what I was hoping for, was maybe what I needed: to be still, to watch too many movies, too feel cared for and loved by new friends, and just relax.  This is a stressful life, but that was part of the appeal.  If I can survive this year, just think of how much stronger I'll be?  Think of how much more I'll be able to cope with!  Or so I tell myself, buddy-boo, when things feel like they are starting to spiral out of control (which is only because I pretend to have some silly sense of control in this new and foreign environment that I rarely understand).


Now...what am I doing on my break? It's still weeks away, but Chinese New Year means the great migration as sons and daughters trek to their home times for Dragon Year festivities and thus plane and bus tickets will be scarce.

August in December

Hello.  It's been far too long.  I've learned a lot in these past weeks.

#1. Thanksgiving can happen in China
Thanks to everyone's efforts, I found delicious food twice with good company.  I successfully Skype-d my family, and everything seemed grand.  Oh, and I saw the pandas.  The Chengdu Research Breeding Pandas and they pose for pictures, or so it seems.  The weekend and the self-reflection that followed gave me a lot to be thankful for....and then the week that followed was just shit.

#2.  Adults can act like colleges students.
Maybe I was naive to think that everyone older than me is wiser than me.  And no, I'm not saying I'm wiser than them, but last week was difficult at work.  Things do seem better now and I think most of the problems stemmed from outside stressors on everyone.  But, some things happened that made my think--haha, what else is new.  And I started realizing that maybe, just maybe, I've pretty much grown into the person I'm going to be for the rest of my life.  Someone open to a life out loud.  Sure, unexpected life events could alter me, but my core, the part that I call me, seems pretty whole.  And you know what? I'm really starting to like that person--I've never spent so much time alone.  This makes me even more thankful for having the family and friends that I have; and of course, the teachers!  My colleagues are for the most part, wonderful, they just all have the same quarks that I recognize in my much friends.  Guess those quarks, and my own, may also stay with us.

#3. Maggots suck.
Not for the faint of heart.  Poor Cynthia has a few creatures coming into her place (same building as me) and after two weeks of fighting, she is moving.  Still in my area, which is exciting to hear.  I feel bad for be as she is quite phobic of the maggots.  Then again, I don't know anyone who enjoys the company of a maggot.  She's been so stressed mainly due to the language barrier.  And I understand.  It's really frustrating when one can't communicate to someone else.  She can move Sunday, so hopefully all will be better.

#4. China lacks insulation.
Something I thought when I got here, but just like NZ, China lacks insulation.  Which I now know as it's a bit chilly out and inside.  I have heat pumps in three rooms; and a gas burner and toaster oven in the kitchen.  Thank goodness I'm from Chicago(land).  It won't get below freezing, but heating here is terribly inefficient.  And has a side effect of MOLD, which I just discovered and irradiated this morning.  I rarely use my heat though as it's costly and hey, why use the extra energy.

#5. My body can handle hotpot.
Chengdu is famous for its hotpot.  Imagine a big bowl set in the middle of a table, with a burner underneath.  Now fill that bowl in your mind with water.  Add many red hot Chengdu peppers; then add in Chendgu peppercorns, you know, the kind that numb your mouth because they contain opioids.  Now, get a small bowl and fill it a quarter of the way with oil.  Add copious amounts of salt and MSG (both better than none) and some garlic and chives.  Then panic as you realize how many peppers are floating.  And that's a hotpot.
So there I was last Saturday night with Jerry, a new friend and his friends (all Chinese, all speaking Chinese) around two hotpots.  Waitresses would bring us sticks of food ranging from quail eggs, squid, chicken, to strange vegetables, tofu, and more.  Someone would put them in the hotpot and then we'd chat (or more listen if you happen to have a very limited knowledge of Chinese).  Then someone would remember the food and sticks upon sticks of food would be removed.  Using chopsticks, I removed the food from the stick into the oil bowl and then into the mouth.  I was worried, like usual, about eating hot food, but guess what? It was delicious.  I mean, really good.  I wasn't sure exactly what I was eating (which I'm almost use to by now) and it was all pretty good.  And not too spicy, though I probably blew my nose maybe 100 times.  Needless to say, I left feeling very clear headed.
I asked them if they eat it often.  They don't--it causes acne.  Which of course makes sense as there's oil in the hotpot and a BOWL OF OIL where you dip it in.  But it was good and I was so very proud of my stomach and taste buds; they're finally starting to give in!

#6. August is good.
Jerry, my new friend (gosh it feels like kindergarten to say that: "Hey mom, this is Jerry!  We color together, he's cool")  But he is cool.  He runs August, a coffee shop that opened in...wait for it...August!  They actually serve real coffee, really slow, but hey it's China and coffeehouses aren't big here.  Tom showed me the place a while ago, but I'm finally getting out more.
Jerry is very sweet as are his girlfriend, partner, and partner's girlfriend.  On Monday of this week, I hung out at August for a few hours learning some Chinese from the four of them.  Last Saturday I went with Cindy and Jerry to hotpot, which was followed by truth or dare in a Sichuan tea house, where they serve Jasmine tea -- the only thing I've ever been allergic too.
But I digress, August is cozy.  The people are nice and this weekend I might try to help Jerry figure out August's future; it's not doing to well business-wise...because it's coffee!  We'll see!

#7. Biking is good.
I have a bike now.  It's red.  Jerry just lent me a helmet, which after raises the seat (by buying a longer seat stem) and adding a new lock makes my bike ride-able.  Riding it this week to work is a rush.  But so far, no accidents, just got stuck once in the middle of the road with a bus plowing at me, but I evaded well.  I'll be safer now that I've learned green traffic lights can sometimes go straight to red (there is no yellow, the green just blinks, but at this particular intersection it blinks only twice).

#8 Chinese is hard.
But harder still is the discipline to practice.

#9 Teaching.
I've learned heaps, but will save it for an entry of it's own.  I did survive my first principal review though.  Not bad, for not teaching training to speak of!

I've almost finished decorating my apartment and making it feel like home.  As I've been here 9 weeks now, I feel I need to finish this weekend.  I bought spare sheets for my extra bed as I had some guests, Daniel and Sarah after a rockin' night out in Chengdu.  Daniel and Sarah teach here as well; both from the UK.  Daniel works in our school sometimes, which is how we met.  So I'm trying to finish setting-up and need to start thinking about my three weeks off and how/where I'm going to spend them.  I hear it's pretty miserable here in Chengdu weather-wise.

Also on my wish-list is re-caulking my kitchen.  I bought the caulk today (or really adhesive--no caulk gun required) and a razor blade.  Gosh I came home and you would've thought I was a kid on Christmas.  Immediate I ran for the kitchen (like 2 feet from the door) and tested out the razor blade and started removing some old caulk before realizing I had to finish lesson plans.  The goal of this little project is to stop water from dripping down the back wall of the kitchen and making my humid apartment wetter.  Clearly I'm excited.  Clearly it's bed time.