Chocolate Almond Chip

Last night was the end-of-the-year dinner for our staff in Chengdu.  We left work around 3pm and headed to the same reception site where Tina held her wedding.  I was seated at the head table with Lily Dai.  Eventually, the Chair of the Board arrived.  Her Chinese name always escapes my mind.  She happens to work very closely with the CEO in Shanghai.  Apparently in the business world, that makes her a big deal.  And yet I kept thinking how no one outside of our company knows who she is.  When she gave opening remarks (in Chinese of course), I kept trying to picture her as a kid.  It's a silly game, then again I'm a silly boy.

Regardless of my opinion (that she's a person like everyone else), she is important to many people in the room.  The HR man (who I'd never seen before--local Chinese HR) gathered many of my colleagues to the stage and they were all awarded for their hard work.  It was nice to see the company give back to so many of our best staff who work tirelessly.  Tina Lan, who I work closely with, was honored by having her mother deliver a speech to her!  Boy I wish I knew more in Chinese than food--but the look of Tina's face explained it all: embarrassed.  Her Mom was beaming the whole time.  Tina's apparently won best overall employee before, but still, she deserves it.  She's got passion for this and has helped me immensely as we've been steering the company in a brand new direction.

Then, to my surprise, the HR man came over to my table and asked Tingting if I had a Chinese name.  I don't.  Then Tingting said, oh yeah..."you're getting something too, you ready to speak?"  Whaaaaaat?  I'm kinda sick and tired of getting special treatment just because I'm a foreigner.  So the HR man said something in Chinese about one special employee who is different than all the others (I'm not Chinese) and blah blah blah Johnny.  Then, the Chair of the Board took the microphone.  I stood.  Tingting translated to me.  This is what I can remember:

Although this is only the third time we've met, I feel I know you.  Blah blah blah.  I'd heard a lot about you.  When ever there is a problem you fix it.  Whenever we need something, you try to get it done.  Blah blah blah, something about foreigners and things.  blah blah blah, good foreigner.  Blah blah blah.  Please accept this as a sign of our appreciation OR something like that.

So I went to the stage mumbled a "xie xie" (thank you).  And then spoke for maybe a minute from the heart, following the advice I had given Lily early;  advice given to me from the Maori in New Zealand.

I sat down and then I was nervous as I began to process all that just happened.  Her words were really nice and encouraging.  This job is ridiculous.  I've been pushed further than ever before.  I've broken down in safety of my bed room before going to work and after coming home.  Trying to help a company grow and see how they can approach everything in a different way is REALLY HARD.  Especially when that company is in a 5,000 year old culture.  I know that many of the counselors hold back things around me, trying to protect me from things due to my age--and that makes it even harder because I don't know what information I can trust.

And then.  Then there's this moment--where I'm standing in way too casual attire at a head table listening to a woman I don't really know praise me in front of the whole Chengdu company--and in this moment I smile.  At the time it felt like I was smiling because I was finally being recognized for the sometimes insane things I do for this job, but really I'm smiling and still smiling because I'm proud of myself.

I'm proud that I have made a difference.  I'm proud of my work here and I'm most proud that I'm smiling.  After returning home for that break, I wasn't sure I would be able to be this happy back here.  So New Zealand may have given me some great advice on speeches, fashion tips, and a fresh perspective on life but China's given me the greatest challenge so far by pushing me past what I thought were my limits.

Are you ready for this? I'm GLAD I stayed her for a second year.  Even if I doubted that decision as things became more and more tough.  When I doubted myself fully--well--you can't go any further.  So it seems I've turned around and am headed towards love.  Which was, funnily enough, one of my goals for the experience last year: to learn how to better love and accept myself.  Of course I forgot about it until now, but that's what makes this all the more special.

So do yourself a favor, go make some cookies.  I made chocolate almond chip cookies and they are delicious.  Even if you just have a toaster oven, you can make it work.  You can make it work with whatever you have, and by it, I mean life.

Love
Johnny

When the cookie crumbles...

Wow.  It's January 25th.  The last post I had was a positive resurgence after some troubling months.  I suppose this is another positive resurgence.  Resurgence: rising again into life.  Which of course means that there has been some falling out of life.  To me, this seems to be the norm for the 20s perhaps.  That navigation between graduating college and the first few steps in the "real world".  Granted college felt rather real.

I flew home for Christmas and New Year's.  Reuniting with loved ones was wonderful.  Being reminded of life possibilities was even more wonderful.  My friends are not all where they want to be, but then again, like me, are young.  However, many of them seemed to be taking bigger steps than I.  I'm proud of them all, even the undecided ones.  Leaving to return to Chengdu was surprisingly easy.

Once back, I informed my boss of my decision to not renew my contract next year.  After our meeting (she took the news very well), I was elated.  It felt easier to breathe because I knew and know that in 5 months, there's going to be a big change.  As to what that change will be? Hell if I know yet!

Unfortunately, life took that rise coldly and I found myself rather down due to my over-involvement in case of...let's call it...regrettable management.  Long story short: we lost a wonderful teacher.  And I re-learned a lesson I had forgotten from last year.  The event left me paused for a week both in thought and action.  I was not sure how to proceed.  What a shame!  I had just two weeks before pulled myself up and into a better place when my good spirits were again crushed.

In the moments of unchecked emotion, I found myself wondering as I do about the way of things.  They were bad, clearly.  But could I manage?  I wasn't sure so I dreamed about quitting.  But if I quit, then I'd return home dejected and bitter.  I'm sure I could count on some wonderful people back home to turn me around, but that's not what I want.  Staying here for second year was going to be harder than the first year.  I knew that when I agreed to stay. 

Let's me honest, I'm one tough cookie...sometimes!  And I'm not looking to evolve into a hardened soul, but I need some toughening up.  Of course, my job is not really "tough".  But this whole experience together is tough.  I didn't realize how hard this had been until I was flying home and had a moment to consider the life I was leading.  But the life I want to lead is tough too.  I have yet to figure out exactly what it will entail, but I like change.  I like improvement.  I like trying to make things better than I found them (with the understanding that I don't always know what is better from someone else's view).

So there I was last weekend.  Just rotting really in my doubts and indecision.  Wondering what I could do to make this experience feel more possible and try to turn this around.

So I bought a plane ticket.

Boom.  Elation.  I bought a plane ticket at 1:33AM Monday morning.  I should have been sleeping, but I was researching a plan.  No, I'm not going home.   I'm going to fly to Harbin over the Chinese New Year holiday.  I hear there's a large ice festival and Siberian tigers.  It's going to be super cold and I'm going on my own.  And I can't wait. 

But it gets better.  I really can't wait.  I really can't wait for my life to feel better so I'm proud to say this was a great week!  My Chinese lessons are a bit of fun on Sundays with my teacher.  We probably laugh more than learn but maybe that's what I need.  This past Monday I went to a KTV with some applications counselors from work.  I rocked Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" and a frustrating Monday was turned around.  This week I was allowed to screen Erin Brockovich and stand on a soap box at two schools explaining social responsibility.  I think I even got through to a kid or two.  I hope to continue such activities with the students.  Their Chinese education seems to take too much time, leaving them with no desire to do anything.  I think I can help.

Additionally, I've taken on a role as a guidance counselor of sorts.  One of the students I've met with has made a large improvement in his grades, motivation, and goals.  I have been meeting with him much.  Although teaching last year had it's fun moments, working with the kids who are struggling and helping them through is really hard to appropriately label with descriptive words.  "The best" is an understatement.

I can't wait for my life to feel better, so I'm done waiting.  I'm taking action.  Work will still pull at my emotions, office politics, company politics, petty arguments; but I think I can do it.  Just like Thomas, the tank engine.

Besides, as I remembered when chatting with a student yesterday, my blood type is B+.  So really, positivity is always in me.


Thanks to all the wonderful people in my life who encourage my idealism telling me I can fly and those other wonderful people who tell me if I fly I could fall.  It's a good balance.

Wishing you the best.  I think I need to go make some more cookies.

Title Change

Eat, Pray, Teach

That's what I set out to do.  I was inspired by the book Eat, Pray, Love, by Into The Wild, and a life-changing 4 1/2 months studying in New Zealand.  So I moved to China to follow my inspiration.  Those who have followed the past year (celebrated one year anniversary out of the states on Oct 1st) know all to well that much of this experience has been in direct conflict with that goal. 

On Eating

I have eaten more different animals here than I care to remember.  I have tasted such new and exciting flavors.  But also...I have moved downward in a way as I began treating food as fuel.  Much of the food here is similar to me now and thus the switch of my views on food followed.  After a summer in Nepal though, Chinese food once again became interesting.  I hope to keep it so in this second and final year in China and become even more adventurous.  Guess it means time to try chicken feet again...

On Praying

Surprisingly, I have engaged in more of this than I thought I would.  Not just praying for an uncrowded bus either.  I have had many moments in temples in Nepal and China.  Those quiet moments where you can reach deep within yourself and smile.  The love and kindness meditation I learned in a Tibetan monastery in NY has served me well and will continue to do so.  After my two weeks in a Nepalese monastery this summer, I now have prayer beads and the mantra "Om Mani Padme Hum" to use. 

On Teaching

Ooof.  This one was difficult.  I learned lots about teaching but am very hesitant to ever say I was a teacher.  That said, I will be teaching (or attempting to teach) some students for recruitment starting Wednesday.  A few of my students figured out their AP scores and told me.  One even got a 4!  But the rest is unknown for the moment, not that I have become Chinese and measure my work by student exam grades.  A few of them have friend-ed me on facebook and watching them struggle and succeed in their next chapter of life has been interesting.  A few are doing very well, the others update only in Chinese complaining about food and American life.  My goal was that my students would succeed but even in the classroom so many were closed off to new ideas.  Not the best state of mind to be in for 4 college years.

So there it is.  The update on 3 goals I set for myself during the year.  The blog title has changed to reflect what I am trying to do now: enjoy my life to the fullest.  Although I'm no longer a teacher, I still have much to teach these students of mine to help prepare them for overseas life so the old title could still work.  However, I'm big on reinvention, especially when the case of the blues is starting to settle in.

So what are the goals for this year?

(See next entry)

Mid Autumn Baked Goods

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival!  The festival day is actually Sunday this year, according to the Lunar calendar.  The festival, also known as the Moon Cake Festival, celebrates the moon and maybe some deity who used to live on it.  Always held on the 15th day of the 8th lunar month, this holiday is around 3,000 years old though an official holiday in P.R. of China for only a few years--giving everyone in China the excuse not to work for a day.

The holiday is celebrated by eating moon cakes, floating lanterns, and matchmaking...so it sounds like many other holidays with one big exception: moon cakes.  These colorful pastries with wild fillings are found everywhere this week.  My boss gave me a couple to take home last Friday and one week later; there are no survivors.  The fillings ranged from delicious coconut to ghastly!  I bit into one a few days ago and met with the unexpected flavor of the sea--fish!  As much as I tried to consume the cake, I gave up halfway through.  Which set up a quick trip to a Chinese bakery the next day quite well.

Chinese bakeries are to bakeries as chicken feet are to chicken wings.  Similar as they share a word "bakery" but completely different.  I'm a bakery guy.  The smell of fresh bread is one of the best scents in the world and brings me right back to farming days in upstate New York.  This smell does not exist in a Chinese bakery.  Because they don't really make bread...they think they make bread, but they are sadly mistaken.  Milk breads, steamed breads, coconut milk breads, and more kinds than I've ever seen...but not bread bread, or should I say to clarify: Western bread.  I should add though, that they also don't carry Tibetan bread which is quite hearty.  So why was I in this bakery?  Curiosity and a doughnut shape.

Nothing could prepare me for my tour around the shop resulting in my discovery of cuttlefish bread.  I think there was some vegetable involved as well.  First of all, cuttlefish?  We're in Chengdu--miles away from the ocean and besides that, who thinks of these pastry ideas?  Sometimes I think it's someone in China's job to just see Western things and try as hard as possible to do the exact opposite.  I think a french baguette and cuttlefish are a prime example of this theory, so now I submit this to you as fact.

I must say I left the bakery with my doughnuts and a large smile on my face.  This country is often too much for me, but that night it was just amusing.  Perhaps I'll get the courage to try the cuttlefish bread.  But as of yet...I think not.  Something about that fishy moon cake taste still lingering in my mind.


All in all, the moon cake festival is becoming a favorite of mine as many of the pastries I have bitten into have delicious fillings.  That and the fact that this festival is back-to-back with Oct 1, Chinese National Day which combined gives us 8 days off work.

Moon cakes are sure to be available at your local China town/neighborhood this week.  Though not sure about their bakery presence, as funnily enough, the Chinese bakery wasn't selling moon cakes...puzzling.  Enjoy the full moon this Saturday night and don't forget to release your floating lantern and try to find your friends their perfect match!

What a long strange trip it's been...

Wow.   My last post was in May, ages ago as it's almost October.  October 2nd is my one year anniversary outside of the United States and one year in Asia.  I say Asia, and not China, as I spent about 4.5 weeks in Nepal this summer.  Summer already feels like another lifetime, clearly...it's been too long.

I haven't blogged because there's been too much to say and also not enough to say.  Life is interesting, always interesting and sometimes really confusing.  My first post on this blog, many many months ago was about what I am doing in China.  Well looking back, I lied a bit.  I didn't know and guess what, I still don't.  Glad to clear the air on that one.  A good friend has suggested I be more honest with those folks back home.  Here goes nothing.

I am no longer teaching AP psychology and now wear the title of "senior college counselor".  I am not entirely sure what it means, but now work in three Chinese high schools in Chengdu, doing my best to help kids figure out what they want in terms of higher education.  But really, it's helping them figure out who they are.  And when I write it like that, I feel good.  And when I feel good I sing.  Totally stole those lyrics from Jason Mraz, but also very true in my life.

The three schools: Shishi (A-Level), Shude (AP), and Chengwai (AP) will keep me plenty busy.  But unlike last year, I come home with no work to do.  A rule I hope to keep.  Sometimes someone will e-mail me after 6...and now I just let it go until 9 AM the next day.  It's part of my "this year will be better".  But will it?  I'm writing this almost 6 weeks after coming back--so clearly things haven't been going my way.

I've been upset about staying, upset about being here and just plain upset.  This experience, which I haven't often spoke of like this before, is really really really really really difficult.  Like super difficult.  Like what the hell am I doing in China difficult.  It's not just a language barrier, it's a culture barrier.  It's sometimes the little things of getting upset at Chinese etiquette on buses or bigger things like asking dangerously big questions to an empty room.  It's also the empty room.

I have a weekend roommate, Lynette, in our new place downtown.  Spent last weekend finally making it feel more like home, which for anyone that's ever lived with me knows means putting shit on walls.  I strung some white Christmas lights around the window and dining area, put up large black construction paper to become a photo wall, and, of course, strung up Tibetan prayer flags (mostly contained in my room).  Too many trips to IKEA and too much money spent resulted in some extra furniture to help the small kitchen function and my mind feel more sane.  That expression "life simply so that others may simply live" sometimes haunts me truthfully.  However, if I can make this home a safe haven from all of it--a retreat to return to and relax, then I think having a better year will be far easier achieved.  I feel better when where I live feels like a home.  Which yes, truthfully, involves other people and not heartless IKEA furniture. 

Jerry came over last night to pick me up and try to de-hermit me and was nice enough to comment that I'm a good at this--this being making bland apartment's into Johnny's home.  It's a skill I picked up in my Freshmen dorm room when I dared to put blue painter's tape on the wall.  Perhaps it's my form of OCD--controlling my home environment when the rest of life feels so out of control.  But once it is done, I sleep better, I breath better, I smile more while home.  Because I'm home and not living in an apartment in Chengdu that has cockroaches, even if this home does have cockroaches.  Meh.

The hermit-ing was more a side effect of a run in with glandular fever (mono) that knocked me off my feet for two weeks, even though I made it to HK for a quick business trip.  A friend from the UK Steve, who I met in the summer from Nepal, was visiting when the mono struck.  But it hit hard after a day that started with viewing the Chengdu pandas being so active.  They played King-of-the-hill, adorable style as well, they're freakin' pandas! 

I hope to take Chinese classes, but I've been saying that since back from Nepal.  But with the stress of returning to work (and China) and mono, it hasn't happened yet.  I think it will after the holiday, for this Sunday starts 8 days of holiday.  Between the mono, the stress, and a visa renewal my plan to try and see Mongolia fell apart.  Perhaps it's okay, as I'm still getting over the mono and am supposed to "take it easy" whatever that means.

So conclusion: life is okay.  It's not great, this isn't always where I want to be.  But hey, if I can do this, the making this year a better year thing, then I can do it anywhere.  Really though, I hope to use this year to figure out next year.  I'm still no closer to a goal of sorts and from watching friends I see how important having a goal is--really gives one a sense of direction.  It's going to be a journey this year, that's for sure.  Last year was so busy that I didn't have the time to think it felt and when I did think it was often exhausted negative thoughts about China.  But I can do better, I can always be better.  Because I can learn, right?  Isn't that's what liberal arts colleges are for? To teach us how to learn. 

Oh and, I learned that when it's your year (like how it's my dragon year currently) it's not a lucky thing.  You are supposed to wear red to bring luck because actually, it's a HARD YEAR -- supposed to test you.  So watch out everyone for the years you're turning 12, 24, 36, 48, 60, 72, and beyond.  Then again, not everyone moves to China to turn 24.  Silly me I suppose, but hey, right now I feel good.  I'm home, I'm comfortable, I ate a reheated dinner that I cooked yesterday, and was able to find the health care I needed for mono--so all things considered, I'm good, really good in comparison to the quality of life I saw this summer in Nepal.  Then again, the Nepalese seemed to smile much more than any other people I've met.  A price of the 1st world lifestyle I suppose.

So this is me, honestly, and this is my second year.  Now join me and test me and help keep me honest as I battle self-doubts, fears, and whatever else comes my way as I try to make this the best year yet.  And finally I leave you with a quote that a friend of mine once posted to Facebook from, I think he said, an Indian proverb or saying:

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

Xie xie for Xi'an

Xi'an!!!!!

So two weekends ago, I headed to Xi'an with a surprise trip thanks to a thankful parent (flights not included) with Steve, Charles, Dave, Sainan, Q, and Paul.  It was just wanted I needed: a weekend of travel with almost not hassle as everything was planned for us.  I mean, sure our flights were delayed both times, but hey--it's China and flights are usually delayed it seems.

Saturday started off right with Jessica, our tour guide, greeting us warmly and within 10 minutes of our trip calling me out as a lesbian inside a man's body...I guess I need to hide that part of me better; too obvious.  Her sense of humor was stupendous.  She's a counselor at Dipont in Xi'an and has experience as a tour guide.

We went to the famed Xi'an Terracotta warriors -- a truly interesting place.  6,000 plus life-sized warriors found only in the past 40 years (or so) from the first Emperor of China's tomb.  They were all smashed but have been restored, or are in the process I should say.  With Steve's help, I was working on learning the skill of "blur" photography which is my high-tech name for focuses on something in the foreground and blurring out the background.  Apparently a telephoto lens makes a good difference, but my 30x zoom and tiny knowledge of F-stops and shutter speed (thanks to Steve) helped me practice a very different kind of "point-and-shoot".

After a delicious feast which included orange juice marinated wax gourd (delicious), we were free to wander the Muslin quarter of Xi'an where Steve and I spend far too much time taking pictures, attempting to buy some things, and making trouble with the locals.  "If you don't have interest, WHY YOU ASK HOW MUCH?"  She says walking after us....woops.

The following day was one of the highlights of my time here: up early eating Dunkin Donuts!!! That's right, I'd flown to the source of awesomeness--but don't worry that's not really the highlight.  The highlight: cycling on Xi'an's wall.  It surrounds the entire downtown and we were lucky enough to cycle around the whole thing, which took about an hour and a half -- lots of good things to take pictures off.  If the view wasn't exhilarating enough, trying to bike on an old wall was plenty exciting with all the bumps.

It was a wonderful weekend full of laughter and has started a trend of a upward motion I think.

Explore. Dream. Discover

Thank you.  Thank you to Mr. Robertson for inviting me to speak on this momentous occasion of graduation.  Believe it or not, you are all graduating today.  But what does that mean…to graduate?  Are you going to wake up tomorrow a different person?  Are you suddenly going to feel fully prepared for life after high school?  It’s possible, but unlikely.  Today marks not only the end of high school, but also the beginning.  What is it the beginning of? Well, that is, ultimately, up to you.  Our job, as your teachers, counselors, and parents has been to prepare you for this moment.  From here, it’s your job to pick your own moments and to prepare yourself for them.  Like any cautious new parent, I, as a new teacher, can’t just let you, my first class, leave here without one last lesson.  I’ll do my best to avoid my dear subject of psychology, but I make no promises.

At my high school graduation, just five years ago, all I could think about was summer break as I waited impatiently for my name to be called.  Graduation felt like just another day.  It was my mother who helped me see the gravity of my situation.  I’ll never forget her words to me on the way home, diploma in hand.  “Son, you know what this means, right…?”  And before I could find my voice, she answered her own question: “…it means…you have to do your own laundry now!”  And she laughed!  With thoughts of college and an uncertain future in my head, my mom was laughing with delight about the end of her role.  She was right, of course.   Unlike all of you, I was moving out of my home for the first time after that summer, and a big part of college, and life, is independence, from doing your own laundry to running your own life.  But guess what? A bigger piece of life is how many people help each of us become independent: our parents, teachers, friends, and even strangers sometimes.  Thus, the first lesson for today is to practice gratitude. Acknowledge those that have helped you get this far.  Thank your parents, thank your teachers, thank your friends, and thank yourselves.  Always remember that a thank you goes a very long way. And yes, psychologically speaking, gratitude does increase mental wellbeing (sorry, I couldn’t resist).  Practice gratitude.

If my Mom had instead told me that I would be giving a speech in China to a graduating class in five years on the way home from my graduation, I would have been understandably confused.  I’d never even done my own laundry—how could I ever hope to be in China living independently?  But that’s the thing about life—we never are fully certain of where we will be heading.  The Wojciks do not have an international reputation, and I’m the first one in my family to work abroad.  Choosing to do the novel; the new; the exciting is what sets us all apart.  Your choice of studying in the United States is a brave one, and is a first.  Even if you’re not the first one in your extended family to study abroad, this will be your first time studying at that school in that place.  Thus, the second lesson of today: never be afraid of firsts.  Don’t be afraid to keep pushing boundaries.  No, Senior 3s, I don’t mean the boundaries of school rules or regulations, which we know you’re good at pushing and hoping over.  No, I speak of your own boundaries.  Push your own limits: take college courses you’ve never heard of, make friends with people from different backgrounds, join new activities, try scary American food!  Challenge yourself: what other firsts will you experience?  What new things will you try in this life?

In just a few short months, you will be boarding a plane and leaving almost everything you know behind.  Your first week of college will be a blur; new friends, a new environment.  Then classes will begin and before you know it, you’ll have finished your first of eight semesters and survived your first round of college finals.  You have four years to learn about subjects and, more importantly, about yourselves.  Four years to take note of who you are becoming.  Four years to experience new moments of life with like-minded people.  And then, the four years are over and you’ll be graduating again; though it will be a very different you then who I see before me now.  And someone else will be up here speaking, urging you to make the most of your life.   Time moves faster next year.  This faster pace seems to only quicken once you graduate college.  Thus, the last lesson: time moves fast, enjoy each moment.  Enjoy the thrills, the fears, the joys, and the sorrows, for all will be found in a life worth living.  Life is also messy, frustrating, and, sometimes, disappointing.  But no matter what, remember: life is beautiful.  There are countless moments that will amaze you and make you gracious to be alive.  And if that fails, then remember your psychology: our brain is wired to remember positively – so with a bit of time, what bothers you now, won’t bother you later.  We adapt.

Speaking of time, our time is finally up.  It’s time for us, your educators, to give up our roles with you.  Now if I take your phone, I’m no longer enforcing discipline – I’m stealing.  You’re finally free. I hope that you take the good from this experience and carry it with you.  Be it a good moment finally grasping a concept in calculus with Mr. Varga or laughing at the absurdity of Mr. Gregory’s booming voice; there have been good moments here.  Maybe this one counts as well.

To end: a quote, a personal favorite from Mark Twain, “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore, dream, discover.”  Class of 2012, practice gratitude, never be afraid of firsts, and enjoy each moment of your life.  This is your moment; savor it.  Congratulations and good luck next year.